A Slight Addiction

By Roberta Durra

Is anyone addicted to checking email? Come on. You can admit it. Will it help if I go first? O.K. I have a bit of a problem with the number of times I check my email. Oh, you want a more formal, heartfelt confession? All right, I am Roberta and I’m an email addict. Ouch, that hurt. But it’s true. I do it constantly, and I am not even looking for anything important. It’s not like I’ve got to run to the computer and get the email Barack just sent over regarding the debt ceiling. I am not expecting to read that HGTV has awarded me with my dream house, nor am I expecting an invitation to join the cast of Dancing With The Stars. I just like to read the occasional email sent by a friend. But my checking obsession has gotten so out of control that  I can barely finish…wait, a minute, I’ll be right back.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I can barely finish a thought without running to the computer. By the way, while writing this paragraph I’ve checked my email three times.

The thing is, email is about connection.  It brings friends, relatives, and spam together. Shooting off an email makes it easy to have connection while putting in little effort. I can whip off a quick hello, how are ya, and feel like I am back in touch with a long lost friend, or feel current with someone I speak with frequently. So I send out my little message and then tag, you’re it. Now all I have to do is check my email once every 15 seconds for your response.

I think electronic communication has gotten pretty much out of hand. I have friends who I’m sure are both checking and reading emails while we’re talking on the phone. I can tell by their distracted and disjointed answers to questions like….

Me: Did you like the movie you saw last night?

Friend: The….(long pause)….spaghetti…(pause)...I made was delicious.

I bet some people even answer emails mid-conversation. Even if the message clearly isn’t important and can wait until later.

Sorry, I just had to shoot off an email telling someone something. What were we discussing? Yeah, constantly using and checking one’s email is definitely disruptive. I bet Miss Manners would say it is impolite and ill-mannered to send out emails while doing other things, such as making love, attending a parent/teacher conference, or meditating at an ashram. Doing so makes you seem like you’re not really interested in the present moment. And here’s a news flash. You’re not fooling anyone. It is virtually impossible to hide the click-click sound of the keyboard. I, for one, am not tricked. I can tell when my friends are talking and typing on the phone. It’s not like the occasional pee you slip in when you’re talking and really have to go. This can be easily done with your phone friend being none the wiser.  You just do your business and then be certain not to flush. But typing while talking, that’s a hard one to conceal. Am I supposed to believe the clicking noise I hear is your denture?

On the pro side of obsessive email check, I guess it can qualify as an aerobic exercise if you’re constantly running to a computer in another room. Also, I read daily how important it is to keep the brain occupied as we age, so here obsessive checking is a win-win. And I offer this in all sincerity, if anyone actually wants a penis enlargement, checking their email frequently allows them to have this information at their fingertips.

It’s gotten to the point where I have to lie about my problem. Say, I’m in the middle of dinner and the urge hit’s to check my email. I suddenly feel as if I can’t finish my half-eaten burrito because I must know NOW if my friend has sent me the 5% off admission to the 2012 Boogaloo Revival Concert in Whitehall, New York. It would be both odd and rude to ditch my family at the dinner table and jog upstairs to the computer. Instead, I say something like, “I’ll be right back. I think I left the iron on.” This works like a charm. They don’t have an inkling that I haven’t plugged in an iron for some 20 odd years.

There is much more to say on the subject. It is definitely worth further exploration.  And I will do that in just a moment… First I have to check the iron.