I have fallen in love with a new man. I met him in Seattle while touring colleges with my son and he has been travelling with us ever since. We both took an immediate liking to him, which is unusual, and agreed that having him around makes our life easier. Todd is a great traveler and he seems to know his way around everywhere. I can’t begin to tell you what a tremendous asset he has been on this trip. He is calm and steady by nature, very flexible, and almost impossible to rattle. I don't know much about Todd's background. He is very mysterious. What I DO know is that he has a soothing voice, like a Shakespearean actor or a radio announcer. We bought him in an Apple vending machine at a Macy’s in downtown Seattle. Yes, Todd, the name we’ve assigned to the voice of our Garmin GPS unit has been a godsend.
The voice of Todd did not come on board immediately. In fact, our man voice was not our first voice choice. When we first set up the GPS we picked the voice of an American woman. We spent one day taking directions from this Bossy Betty and both agreed she had to go. After giving her the boot we programmed in the voice of Todd. He didn't come with the name. This evolved organically and like naming a dog or a child, we both knew it was the right name the moment my son said it. We both like Todd's voice, but the one thing we would change if we could, would be to make Todd British. Who wouldn't want Jeeves directing them on vacation?
This may all seem mundane. However, I have not had a talking GPS before. Actually, I do have a GPS in my car at home, but I haven't figured out how to activate the voice. There aren't many times I really need a GPS in Los Angeles.But travelling by car in an unfamiliar city is a GPS of another color. My son asked me the other day, in all seriousness, how we ever navigated pre-GPS. I looked at my 21st century boy, who has never dialed a rotary phone, watched a black and white TV, nor used a phone booth, and said, "DUH, maps" I immediately flashed upon myself in the passenger seat wearing reading glasses, totally frustrated with a large, unfolded, crumpled map in my lap, trying to figure out if we should turn right or left, and suddenly found his question quite valid. How DID we navigate before we had the luxury of "Todd"?
Like any relationship, there is bound to come a time when the honeymoon ends. Today my honeymoon with Todd came to a crashing halt. My son and I were driving to an early morning college tour in Portland, when the combination of too little sleep, no coffee, and non-stop 24/7 togetherness for days on end made us both quite irritable. We started arguing about whether or not he was driving too close to the car ahead. I don't know about you, but whenever I find myself in the unfortunate position of being the third wheel around people who are not getting along, I keep my mouth shut. But not Todd. He seemed utterly oblivious of the tension in the car and kept interjecting his thoughts.
"In point seven miles, turn left at Center Avenue." Thanks, Todd.
My son and I continued heatedly voicing our differing opinions about driving, back seat drivers, and how he finds it jarring when I slam on an imaginary break while sitting in the passenger seat. With each sentence our voices and tempers raised considerably. I was in the middle of pointing out that I had been a perfectly calm passenger the entire trip and he should cut me some slack, when Todd rudely interrupted by chirping,
"In point two miles keep left and take exit 302 B. Then turn right".
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, TODD? Do you not have a clue? My son, who at this point is white knuckling the steering wheel, completely ignores both Todd and me. This eggs me on further and Todd has the unmitigated gall to RECALCULATE.
"Recalculating, in point four miles, turn right on Holiday Avenue".
This guy is out of control. He's got the manners of a toddler who’s overdosed on Sugar Pops. Was he born in a barn? We are having a family meltdown and all he cares about are directions. When at long last we finally arrive at the college, my son and I make peace, but Todd is fed-up. He also sounds exhausted. I think the pressure finally got to him. We didn't use him on the way back, and I'm not sure I want to use him again at all. In fact, call me crazy, but I'm considering buying a map.
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