Quiet Please!

by David Goldman

I’m a normal kind of guy.

Mostly.

I freely admit I’m not perfect and that I have minor idiosyncrasies -- the toilet paper MUST come over the top, I do not respond to text messages or phone calls while watching sporting events, and I consider putting ketchup on a hotdog blasphemous. But there is one thing that drives me absolutely nuts.

It’s loud eating.

Let’s be clear. Food was meant for to be chewed until it is in a semi-digestible form. However, I do not need to take part in others’ mastication by listening to it. Music, babies cooing, and birds singing are pleasant sounds. Crunching a baseball mitt sized amount of potato chips with your mouth open, smacking one’s tongue, and groaning while eating are not.

The Blob Fish

We consider ourselves civilized – the most advanced species on earth. We have evolved past a time when we slept in caves. We bathe regularly (except, of course, the French). We participate in cultural activities that both entertain and stimulate our minds. And we strive to improve ourselves in any way we can. So why in the world would we emulate the eating habits of the blob fish?

The Blob Fish

So if you’re replenishing your depleted fuel supplies by eating out, please don’t try and entertain me with the sound of you sucking the meat off an artichoke leaf. And what brought you to the conclusion that I, and the rest of the movie theater would rather listen to you chomping a mouthful of popcorn than hear what was being said in the movie? The answer to this and other similar questions is: nothing. Nobody needs to hear another person eat. The reason it’s done is basically laziness. It’s easier to eat slack jawed than it is to maintain full contact between the lips. Again, I cite the blob fish.

By this point you’re probably saying to yourself, “Geez, this guy really has got a problem! What’s a little crunching?” My response is, “Yes. I have a big problem.” So do me a favor. Either eat in the privacy of your own home where you can make whatever noises you want, or if you insist on eating in a restaurant, please keep your mouth closed and the decibel level down. Maybe we’ll hear a baby coo or the guy at another table choking on a piece of pesto chicken stuck in his windpipe because he was eating like a blob fish.

And, I thank you.