Musician Alert

by Roberta Durra

Let me start by saying I believe most male musicians are attractive, rebellious, talented guys. But even if they aren’t all of the above, or they happen to be toads with warts the size of New Jersey, once they pick up a musical instrument they are instantly transformed into alluring, interesting, desirable song-gods. And those giant warts I mentioned, only add to the mystique.

These guitar pickers, piano players, bass pluckers and drum bangers make supermodels swoon, cause A-list actresses to drop their careers like hot potatoes, and make smart, everyday women fill the left side of their brains with romantic notions of midnight serenades and mega-hits written just for them. But these guys are a dangerous breed, some of whom have won over the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston and Pamela Anderson. They are a charismatic bunch who can charm the dirt off a pig.

It’s best to stay away from these guys entirely. But first you’ve got to be able to recognize a musician. You’re safe if you are outdoors any time before 4 pm. Historically speaking; musicians have rarely seen the light of day. But after 4 pm, when they stumble out of bed and on to the streets, it’s every woman for herself. When they are not performing, musicians can easily be mistaken for homeless transients or Nick Nolte. When you’re walking down the street and you notice an awkward man with longish hair, a slouchy gate and a rebel’s look in his eye humming loudly to himself, RUN…OR THROW YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST VESITBULE!! HE’S A MUSICIAN. Additionally, if you’re in your car at a stoplight and a guy pulls up next to you in a beater with music blasting, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel or wildly keeping the beat with imaginary drumsticks, scream, “DRUMMER!!!” and floor your car through the red light. No cop in his right mind will ticket you for this.

If for some reason you succumb to the spell of a melody man, there are universal truths you should know.

1. You will never again have a real date on New Year’s Eve. If kissing your honey Dec.31^st at midnight is a priority, you can kiss that notion goodbye the minute you start dating a musician. At midnight on New Years Eve, any musician worth his salt is either playing for a stadium filled with screaming fans, or dressed in a tuxedo playing Auld Lang Syne in a hotel bar. Either way they are watching other couples dance and kiss, while you are alone wishing you hadn’t dumped the accountant.

2. Once you marry a musician, you will spend more time with your girlfriends than you ever thought possible. You will be going with girlfriends to parties, family get-togethers, potluck dinners, birthday celebrations, museums, movies and plays because your honey has a gig. If you happen to purchase theater tickets a year in advance, giving your musical hubby plenty of lead-time, KNOW that as you leave for the theater your husband will get a last minute call to  “sub” that night for a musician gone AWOL. Musicians cannot say no to anything, particularly a paying job. This is exactly why we often see angry women in front of the theater selling single tickets.

 

3. You will forever be translating your musician’s language. Even if he is born and raised in Middle America, if he’s musical, he speaks a different language. Be prepared to constantly explain to family and friends what your fella means when he says, “gig, riff, lick, set, bread”. The list goes on.

4. You will share your main man with his adoring fans. Hopefully you are one of the few who really believes, “What’s mine is yours”. Because you will be sharing what’s yours with lots of young, single, women with ample cleavage poured into skimpy dresses. They will “LOVE” your guy unconditionally after hearing him play on stage for 45 minutes. It won’t matter that in reality your guy is a total slob who hasn’t washed a dish (or his jeans) in a decade.

5. If you have children with a musician, you will find yourself very confused. You may know for a fact that you have only given birth once, but it will seem that there are many more children in the house. This is because musicians really ARE children who haven’t grown up. They always have their friends come over to play music and they always make a mess. On the plus side, if you’re teetering on whether or not you’re the type to raise children, live with a musician first. You’ll get all the info you need.

So if you desire a mate with a steady paycheck, reasonable work hours, and the availability to accompany you to movie theaters on weekend nights, walk away from the concert after-party…walk directly AWAY. Find the inner beauty in computer geeks, bus drivers or exterminators.  Give serious consideration to salesmen, phone solicitors and/or desk clerks. But if you ever notice any of them tapping their fingers to an inner beat, singing just a little bit too enthusiastically along with the car radio, don’t stick around and second-guess yourself. Run like the wind!