Snooki's Weight Loss Tips

by Roberta Durra

I may have mentioned this before. It irks me that Snooki has a job and I'm still looking. But now “The Snook” has done the unimaginable. This time she’s hit me where it hurts… in my belly and upper thighs. Yes, Snooki has lost weight!!

My doctor recently said my cholesterol is nothing to write home about, and it’s time for me to lose some weight.  So I’ve decided to look to the Snookster, not as an enemy but as a formidable weight loss consultant, and find out exactly how she went from a “Mallomar” to a “Thin Mint”.

Snooki says she lost pounds by curbing her drinking and going on a cookie diet. She eats one meal and 6 cookies a day. The cookies contain beef protein. I find this extremely encouraging because beef chocolate chip is my favorite!

Fully committed to following Snooki’s lead, I wake up ready for my new life, ready to cut back my liquor consumption! (I don’t drink liquor) If it worked for the Snook, it will work for me. (It won’t work for me because I don’t drink liquor)  I will also eat 6 cookies a day to suppress my hunger. And until I find Snooki’s cookies, I will start with Chips Ahoy. They’re small. I will eat seven.

Possibly eight.

Drew Carey, another weight loss warrior, recently lost a massive amount of weight. He formerly wore a very pudgy frame and thick black rimmed glasses. He probably shed 10 lbs switching to wire frames. What else did he do? He stopped drinking beer! I hear you Drew. I will take your advice and eliminate beer entirely. No more lagers and ales. I will officially abstain from all Pilsners, Stouts and Heepweizen’s. (I don’t drink beer). No more “Old Speckled Hen” or “Dogfish Head Snowblower” ale. (I don’t even LIKE beer). I will say a tearful goodbye to Heineken and Bud light. If it worked for Drew Carrey, it will work for me. (It won’t work for me).

Kloe Kardashian, now there’s a weight loss success story. Actually, all of the Kardashians have lost weight. Even, Bruce Kardashian. I think they take diet pills that help them battle the bulge by pooping it all out. Wait! Stop the presses! I won’t even CONSIDER this. I already pee in my pants a bit when I laugh too hard. I will not risk leakage from both ends!

Jenny Craig seems to attract celebrity clients. Look at Valerie Bertinelli and Jennifer Hudson. They both look fabulous. I look for Jenny Craig food recommendations and happen upon this…

 “Treat yourself to the sinfully sweet taste of our Cookies & Cream Cheesecake loaded with rich, creamy filling and crunchy bits of chocolate cookie. On top there are even more cookies, drizzled with rich white chocolate. Indulge in a treat that is also a good source of calcium. Jennifer Hudson and Valerie Bertanelli have”.

BINGO! I LOVE CHEESECAKE, but stupidly have never considered it dietetic. I don’t know where to find Jenny Craig, but I DO know a “Cheesecake Factory” nearby. I’ll add one of their cheesecakes to my midday snack, staving off hunger and shedding pounds like there’s no tomorrow. You can’t beat those insider tricks!

But just because stars are rich and fabulous doesn’t mean they‘re the only ones with secrets to weight loss. I found this creative recipe from a woman online, using “Jenny Craig Bell Cookies”.  She tells us…

 “I take one serving of the Jenny Craig Ginger Bell Cookies and crumble them into the bottom of a small, shallow microwavable dish. Then I add a serving of applesauce and strawberry jam on top of the crumbled cookies with a sprinkling of cinnamon. I microwave for one minute and then drizzle a touch of maple syrup and two tablespoons of whipped topping. Yummy!”

Yay for the common folk!  Nice low-cal recipe, anonymous Internet person.

50 Cent lost a ton of weight for a movie role. GOOD IDEA Mr. Cent. I’ll get myself a starring role in a mini series, pronto. I’ll pitch Oprah a 12 episode “Twiggy” biopic, starring ME!  I’ll be groovy and thin in no time and then during production Oprah and I can lunch with Snooki. We’ll hear diet tips straight from the horse’s mouth.  Both Oprah and I will benefit greatly.

Kelly Osborne lost 3 dress sizes and a face size by criticizing people with Joan Rivers on the “Fashion Police".  Apparently bitchy is slimming. I will tell all my friends I hate their clothes and post their pictures on national television. This should yield a quick 12 lb weight loss when they dump me and I’m too depressed to eat.

Kimora Lee Simmons recently lost mega weight and a saggy neck, to boot. She credits her amazing transformation to putting down the Doritos bag and walking her baby up the block. I don’t have a baby, but I’m willing to put down the Doritos. (You're right. I don’t eat Doritos).

Contrary to all the inaccurate fluff out there, it seems weight loss is much easier than the “experts” let on. Listen to the celebrities who know.  Ignore boring exercise, 8 cups of water a day, healthy food choices and silly portion control propaganda. Put down the beer, hide the Doritos and whip out cheesecake and beef cookies! We’ll all be running with Snooki in thong bikinis in no time!