Things I don’t need to read on Facebook

by David Goldman

Now that a few of you out there have told me you like what I’ve written, I’m about to piss you all off. I apologize in advance. I have to admit, Facebook intrigues me. I check it periodically and I enjoy hearing what’s going on in my friends’ lives. However, I just don’t get why some people post some things. That in mind, here are things I don’t need to read on Facebook:

I don’t need to know that you’re eating dinner at Arun. I like Arun and I’ve eaten at Arun. But there’s really no need to notify us as to where and what you’re eating. I take this all back if you intend to drop off a doggy bag at my house after dinner.

I don’t need to know that you love Jesus. It’s great that you do and I’m happy that you’re happy. But you’re not converting me by posting this and I don’t think Jesus reads Facebook. Although, he has nearly three-quarters of a million friends which is a helluva lot more than me.

I don’t need to see a video of Mountain playing Mississippi Queen from 1971. I liked Mountain in 1971 but seriously, it’s not that good a song.

I don’t need to know that you like a certain store. Unless of course you’re going to buy me something there.

I don’t need to know that you like Glenn Beck. Besides, you’re joking right?

I don’t need to know that you’re going to the Bulls’ game. I should be going to the Bulls’ game.

I don’t need to know that you bought a new tractor in Farmville. If you purchased a tractor in your real life I might be more interested, but don’t count on it.

I don’t need to know what God wants us to know today. If there’s something he wants me to know I trust he’ll tell me.

I don’t need to hear you apologize to your running shoes because you haven’t seen them in such a long time. If you don’t want to run, don’t run, but please spare me the cutesy conversation between you and your shoes explaining why you’re staying in and watching TV.

I don’t need to hear why people have the right to own automatic weapons. They don’t.

I don’t need to have links you like, posted on Facebook and emailed to me. One or the other okay? I am exempt from this rule.

I don’t need to have a virtual snowball fight with you, but thanks for asking!

I don’t need to be bombarded with pleas to rescue dogs and cats. I understand that there are thousands of dogs and cats that need to be rescued. I have a rescue as a pet. But posting your request on Facebook is not going to convince someone that they should run to the shelter and adopt this dog. If simply seeing a post like this convinces you to run to the pound and adopt, you should be told you cannot.

I don’t need to see pictures of your niece’s boyfriend’s new dirt bike. I’m sorry if this insults him or his dirt bike.

I don’t need to have you ask me to use a different one of your friend’s businesses every day. If I need a recommendation, I’ll ask you. 

I don’t need to be invited to join anything. Besides, I bet if I tried joining without an invitation they’d let me. I try to adhere to Groucho’s rule: I’d never join a club that would have me as a member.

By now you’re thinking to yourself, boy, is he grouchy! I’m really not. So what do I think Facebook is good for? It’s a great place to suggest that people read Stuff We've Written and invite them to follow us!

Cheers! And see you on Facebook!